Stonewalling in a Relationship: What Is It & How to Deal with It

Have you ever been in a heated argument with your partner, only to have them suddenly shut down and refuse to communicate?

This frustrating experience is known as stonewalling. It is a common pattern in communication that can hurt relationships and be a significant obstacle to thriving as a couple. By understanding its causes and learning how to deal with it, you can start to fix the connection and intimacy you deserve. In this guide, we'll explore stonewalling, explain the science behind it, and share tips on how to overcome it.

Key Takeaways

• Stonewalling occurs when one partner stops talking and pulls away during a conversation.

• It can really damage your bond by hurting trust, closeness, and the ability to solve conflicts.

• Stonewalling often comes from feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotions.

• Ways to deal with this issue include taking breaks, getting better at talking, and getting professional help.

• Fixing stonewalling is key to keeping a happy and stable relationship.

What Is Stonewalling in a Relationship?

The term "stonewalling" was popularized by a world-renowned psychologist, John Gottman, who focuses in his work on marital stability. According to his research, this issue is one of the biggest divorce predictors, along with criticism, contempt, and defensiveness, included in his framework "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse". 

Stonewalling means not talking or showing feelings to someone. People stonewall to avoid hard feelings or topics. But, it can really hurt the relationship.

It happens when one person won't talk and answer the other's questions or try to solve problems together. This makes the other person feel left out, angry, and less trusting.

Unintentional vs. Intentional Stonewalling

Isn't stonewalling just another word for silent treatment?

While the two look very similar, there's one big difference: your intent.

Unintentional stonewalling occurs when a partner becomes overwhelmed with their thoughts and feelings and shuts down emotionally, often as a learned behavior or due to feeling a lack of safety. This type of stonewalling is a physiological response rather than a deliberate tactic.

Intentional stonewalling - the silent treatment - is a form of emotional manipulation and a conscious choice to withhold communication as a form of punishment. It can last minutes, hours, or days. 

Whether intentional or unintentional, both forms can be damaging to relationships, causing the stonewalled partner to feel ignored and emotionally disconnected. Recognizing the difference and addressing the underlying causes – whether it's emotional overwhelm or deliberate punishment – is crucial for maintaining positive affect and overall relationship health.

Examples of Stonewalling in Romantic Relationships

Stonewalling is a complex issue, and it's essential to see how it plays out in real life. Let's look at some examples to understand its effects on others:

Take Sarah and Michael, a young couple facing new marriage challenges. They're discussing money, and Michael gets overwhelmed. He becomes totally unresponsive, ignoring Sarah's efforts to solve the issue. Even his body language and tone of voice change, indicating a defensive posture. This makes Sarah feel left out, abandoned, disrespected, and less likely to open up in the future, damaging their trust.

Then there's Emily and Alex, a couple talking about their future. Emily wants to move for a job, but Alex won't discuss it. The stonewaller avoids her, withdraws from the interaction, and gives short answers. Emily feels attacked and discarded, which hurts their ability to make big decisions together.

These examples show how it leads to emotional distress, feeling isolated, and frustration. It's key for couples to understand and address stonewalling to work through it and strengthen their relationship.

Signs of Stonewalling in Your Relationship

Knowing the signs of stonewalling can enable you to address this hurtful issue in your partnership. Since it can show up in different forms, spotting its various signs can help you tackle the problem. Let's look at the common signs to watch out for:

Pulling Away from the Conversation

One clear sign of stonewalling is when one person simply won't respond to you. They turn silent, pull away from giving clear answers, just say one word, or avoid eye contact. Even though physically they're in front of you, it feels like mentally they check out, making you feel distant.

Physically Leaving

Another sign is when someone physically leaves the conversation. They might walk away, not wanting to talk more. This can be really tough and make things worse.

Common Signs of Stonewalling	Examples
Withdrawal from conversations	Your partner may refuse to engage in discussions or provide meaningful responses.
Avoidance of eye contact	They may avoid making eye contact, creating a sense of emotional distance.
Giving one-word responses	Your partner resorts to providing brief, monosyllabic responses, effectively shutting down the conversation.
Physically leaving the situation	Your partner leaves the room or situation, cutting off communication and refusing to address the issue.

The ability to recognize what's happening is the first step to working on this issue with your partner. By prioritizing the need to improve and learning the art of healthy communication, you can make your relationship work.

The Science Behind the Stonewalling Response

At its core, stonewalling is a defense mechanism. How so?

When we're in a heated debate or a tense moment, our body gets very alert, activating the sympathetic nervous system. It's like the "fight-or-flight" reaction, preparing us to face or run from danger.

People might feel overwhelmed by emotions, which become too difficult to handle, and they can't talk things out well in such a state. 

Diffuse Physiological Arousal

Stonewalling often comes from a deeper body response called "diffuse physiological arousal." This is linked to the fight-or-flight response in our bodies. It can greatly affect how we talk and deal with conflicts.

Diffuse physiological arousal can cause something called "flooding." This happens when someone feels overwhelmed by intense feelings, making it hard to think clearly or talk things out. 

Understanding that stonewalling comes from flooding is key to moving forward. By identifying these physiological factors, couples can find better and healthier ways to handle conflicts.

The Impact of Stonewalling on Intimacy

Stonewalling is a silent killer in relationships, negatively impacting the trust and emotional connection between two partners. 

When someone pulls away or won't talk things out, it's impossible to reach a compromise or come up with a solution to an issue at hand. Without talking openly, it's impossible to be vulnerable and intimate with one another. As a result, both sides feel isolated, misunderstood, and frustrated, eroding the trust in the couple. 

Stonewalling also hurts physical closeness. Not solving conflicts or sharing feelings can lead to less physical touch and sex. This lack of closeness can make things worse, making it hard to fix the problems.

To fix this, couples need to talk openly and manage their feelings better. They must work to rebuild trust and closeness for a healthy relationship.

By tackling stonewalling and using new strategies, couples can get back the emotional and physical closeness they need.

Strategies to Deal with Stonewalling

Stonewalling can be challenging, but you can tackle it by taking action. It's vital to act early before it hurts your relationship with your partner.

1. Taking a Break to Soothe Your Nervous System

Experiencing intense emotions during a fight?

Angry, frustrated, or resentful?

Struggling to control your responses and feelings? 

Chances are you're experiencing flooding, which leaves no space for a productive discussion. The longer stonewalling continues, the higher the chances of making your argument worse.

Instead of going deeper into this dangerous territory, it's time to disengage and formulate a request for a break to self-soothe:

• The general rule of thumb is to take at least 20 minutes to calm down.

• That's how you give your nervous system a real chance to cool down and regain balance. 

Refrain from calling a friend to vent about this conflict. While it might seem like a good solution, it only adds oil to the fire, intensifying your emotions.

Self-soothing can be as simple as:

1. Distancing yourself physically from your partner and distracting yourself with a simple activity, such as cleaning or working out.

2. Practicing deep breathing to calm your mind and body.

3. Taking a short walk in a park or around the block.

4. Listening to your favorite music.

This break lets you take time to process your feelings before you talk again.

2. Communication Techniques for Resolving Conflicts

Once returned to a calm state, it's normal to feel the urge to "just let it go" and sweep things under the carpet. However, it's really important to return to your conversation. Remember - good communication can beat stonewalling.

When you're ready to talk again, come back together and try out these tips:

1. Approach this issue with empathy, compassion and non-judgment.

• Creating a safe place is absolutely essential if you want to open up a difficult conversation and solve some problems.

• It means building an environment with your partner where you both can share feelings without fear of backlash.

2. Use "I" statements to share your feelings and needs without blaming your partner:

• Talking about your feelings, needs, and expectations is a great way to take accountability and proactively approach your issues.

• This way, you avoid criticizing or unintentionally attacking your partner and making them feel threatened.

3. Listen actively to what your partner says, even if you disagree:

• Refrain from interrupting your partner. It's important that you honor their vulnerability so that they can express themselves comfortably.

• Active listening can deepen your understanding of their perspective and help you reach a solution with greater ease. 

4. Seek common ground to solve the issue, not to argue more:

• If you feel the urge to attack your partner again, ask yourself: Do you fight to win or to find common ground?

• You and your partner are a team, not rivals or enemies. You're here to support each other.

Remember, overcoming stonewalling requires patience, understanding, trying to communicate calmly, and holding a genuine wish to grow from both sides. By doing these things, you can change your relationship for the better, making a stronger, happier bond. Your future self and your partner will be grateful for facing this challenge and building a more loving partnership.

Get Professional Help & Stop Stonewalling in Its Tracks

When stonewalling becomes a pattern for you or your partner, it's time to consider getting professional help. Couples therapy can offer the support you and your partner need to build a long-lasting, happy relationship.

When to Consider Couples Therapy?

Here are some times when getting professional help is a good idea:

• When you and your partner can't solve conflicts by yourselves, and the issue of stonewalling intensifies.

• When you become emotionally distant and feel like it's impossible to talk to each other about some topics.

• When you've tried to fix the issue but feel stuck and can't move forward.

• You experience a lot of stress, resentment, or feeling disconnected from your loved one.

Relationship counseling offers a safe place for you and your partner to discover why stonewalling happens. You can learn better ways to improve communication skills and handle conflicts better. With the assistance of a mental health professional, you can work on rebuilding trust, closeness, and happiness in your relationship.

Getting professional help as a couple can go a long way, as it's proven to heal and strengthen your bond, contributing to higher relationship satisfaction. It empowers you and your partner to face the challenges together, instead of turning away from this issue.

Conclusion

We've looked into stonewalling in relationships and its effects. We've seen the signs and how to deal with it. Now, you know how it affects intimacy and how to face it.

Starting a better relationship often means looking at yourself and fixing communication issues. With the right tools and a desire to grow, you can beat stonewalling. 

Remember these important points:

• Watch for stonewalling signs, 

• Know why it happens, 

• Use good conflict resolution strategies and build trust. 

Putting your communication and feelings first will help to overcome these challenges. You'll come out with a stronger, more united bond.

If you’re in the Miami area and looking for support in your relationship, consider reaching out to us at Love Discovery Institute. Together with our top couples therapists, we can start a tailored process and work towards creating a stronger, more understanding connection between you and your partner.

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Author

DR. CAROLINA PATAKY As the co-founder of the Love Discovery Institute, Dr. Carolina Pataky stands at the forefront of sexology and relationship therapy. With her expertise as a Clinical Sexologist, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, and Certified Sex Therapist, she is devoted to guiding individuals and couples toward the pinnacle of personal fulfillment and relational harmony. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist | Doctorate in Clinical Sexologist | Certified Sex Therapist | Creator of H.I.M. & Love Discovery Methods | TV/Radio/Web Personality | Gottman Levels I, II, & III | Imago Couples Therapy | Infidelity Expert | Blogger, Coach, and Therapy Enthusiast Read Full Bio Click to join Dr. Carolina Pataky's Waitlist Book Her Team Now